Kids are gross.

Kids are gross. I say this in the most lovingly way possible.

Let me start off by taking a stroll down memory lane to this post. For those lazy readers, I will paraphrase by saying that my daughter spits up so much food it’s hard to believe that she gains weight at all. It is estimated that at least 50% of her daily caloric intake ends up on the floor, the dog, or Husband and I.

Tuesday night was no different.

About an hour and a half after Reese’s main entrée of pureed mixed veggies and banana/mixed berries for dessert, we sat down on the couch together for an attempt at one last snuggle time with her bottle before bed.

::Side Note:: I say “attempt” because doll has recently learned to crawl. The girl is always on the move. She has absolutely no time in her agenda to slow done and cuddle with Mama. I thought I had at least 12-13 years before that happened.

Anyway, using the TV remote as a distraction, I finally got her to chill out and take the bottle. She was about ¾ of the way through when she gagged and spit up on me. Not a huge deal, but nevertheless needed Husband to take her so I could clean myself off before Calv and his laser tongue decided to help.

Husband picked her up off my lap and at the exact moment he turned to carry her away it happened. What was quite possibly the largest stream of projectile baby food / formula blend shot out of doll’s mouth. The vom covered an estimated four-foot radius; spraying herself, husband, Calv, both couches, and my carpet.

Now, we’ve had carpet/baby food incidents before and this one wouldn’t have been a huge deal – but do you recall what she had for dessert? Bananas with mixed berries. And what color is said bananas with mixed berries? Purple. On my WHITE carpet. Super.

She definitely put Linda Blair to shame.

After two days, a cry for stain-removing suggestions via Facebook, and a little help from Google, I was able to successfully able to remove most of the stain with a mix of household items: Tide, vinegar, and warm water. There was still a faint purple look which was completely wiped out with OxyClean gel stain remover (let sit 5-10 minutes, rinse with warm water, and blot up with a towel). The stain remover is actually meant for clothes, but I was brave and tried it.

And if you are from any of the companies that created any of the aforementioned cleaning supplies, hit me up and I’ll let you know where you can mail my royalty check (or lifetime supply of said items) for plugging your product. k thx.

Home Sweet Home

It's just after 8:00 and we are finally back home and unpacked from our weekend in Wisconsin. The benefit was a success and the kids had a great time at Grandma and Grandpa's. Jack gave me a hanging basket of "monkey faces" (pansies) that Grandma helped him put together, and Reese greeted Daddy with a mouthful of spit up when he picked her up for a kiss ::vom:: I could have passed out laughing.

OK, now back to the part about the benefit. Wisconsin was fun, but it's good to be home. The animal tally (aka the animals we braked for) was: 1 bear, 5 deer, and 1 fox.

The silent auction raised over $2600, another $2200 was raised from the 50/50 raffle, plus whatever was raised by the other raffle ticket drawings, wrist band, and paddle sales.

It was a very long day, but we had a lot of fun. Even if I had to let an extremely intoxicated Larry suck my big toe in order to get him to buy an entire bucket of paddles at $2 a piece. I was wearing sandals, so he disinfected the area with vodka first. ::shivers:: It's amazing what you'll do (and never, ever do again) for your family.

We drank, we laughed, we raised money, and we lifted our glasses to a stand-up guy to a few plays of "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by the Dropkick Murphys. 'Twas a good weekend.


AND

If anyone is wondering, watercolor paints are NON-TOXIC. Tonight as I was giving Reese a bottle before she went to bed I heard the sound of gargling water. Jack decided that his paint brush rinsing basin looked especially tasty. Fabulous. Thankfully I caught him before he swallowed and promptly sent him to brush his teeth. I think we'll stick with crayons.

I made the furniture warranty lady gag via phone...

...No really. I did.

But it wasn't necessarially my fault. It was more the fault of Reese and Calv for causing me to call, and her fault for asking why I needed service.

I have never seen a baby that voms after eating as much as Reese...and I have never seen a dog more interested in said vom than Calvin is.

When I called warranty services on Monday to have my couch cleaned, furniture lady had to ask how the stain came to be.

Me: Baby eats, spits up on the couch, dog eats it.

Furniture Lady ::insert gag via phone here:: So, you have a combination baby spitup/dog saliva spot on your couch?

Why yes ma'am I do. My new couch looks especially nastified, which is why I am oh-so-thankful that we paid the extra $110 for the Teflon fabric protection when we purchased it. Now I just have to be patient for 10 business days until my cleaning kit arrives in the mail.