Chapters

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

25.

I turned 25 on Sunday. The moment I woke I was certain that I had miraculously sprouted 10 grey hairs overnight…well, I probably would have had I not been coloring my hair since I was in 9th grade. Believe you me, this blondie will never wholly admit that she’s really more of a brunette...even if she just did. Of course JP in his 31 years, rolls his eyes and has no sympathy.

ANYWAY.

It was a good day, aside from my Saturday pre-birthday date plans with the hubby being put on hold until after the holidays due to the righteous blizzard of 2010 that piled up a 4 foot snowdrift smack in the middle of our driveway…eventually leading to an amazing 8ish foot snow bank blocking ½ of our driveway due to a craptastic snowplow job…but that’s another story. So instead of dinner and a movie, we stayed in and I baked cookies with the other 3(ish) foot man in my life.

Sunday morning as I crawled out of bed I found myself ready to chase Calvin around the living room as to take away the stuffed animal he retrieved from Jack’s room. Usually the chase ends only when I can distract him with something else; but this day he came right to me and dropped the bear at my feet…and of all the stuffed toys he could have chosen, this was the one he brought me:


He even knew it was my birthday.

The rest of the day involved a lot of running around to make up for errands that could not be run due to the storm. JP even gave me the most spectacular red Kitchen Aid stand mixer (which actually would have been convenient to have on Saturday while I was curled over a mixing bowl stirring cookie dough by hand). I guess he enjoyed watching me struggle. Jerk. Later I found out that part of the reason he ran out of the house on black Friday and shelled out the money (albeit significantly discounted) for the mixer was that it has an optional meat grinder and sausage stuffer attachment that you can purchase separately. If he thinks that he is getting a dead deer carcass anywhere near my mixer to make venison sausage, he has another thing coming.

Monday, November 29, 2010

JACKtionary...Fall Edition (continued)

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I know we did! As a matter of fact, I'm still full.


HA.

Who am I kidding? ::noms on another cookie shamelessly::

Anyway, other than Reese's gift she left for me in her bathtub, here are some goodies from the weekend...

::Back Story:: The kids were at JP's parent's house on Tuesday during the day. JP's Dad took Jack for a walk in the woods...

Grandpa: Look Jack, there's JP's deer stand.
Jack: How the heck do the deer get up there!?


::Back Story:: Jack was being naughty. I threw the Santa card...

Me: Jack if you don't start being nice Santa isn't going to want to come.
Jack: Ya right Mom. I know he'll come anyway.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

JACKtionary: Fall Edition

::Back Story:: Jack was at JP's parent's house yesterday during the day. JP's Dad showed Jack the recently hunted deer hanging in the barn...and told us all about it on the drive home last night...

Jack: Did you know the deer in Grandpa's barn is a whitetail deer?
Me: Really? Did Grandpa tell you that?
Jack: Yup. Whitetail deer are in the woods and when they see danger they lift up their tails like "Uh-Oh!". But nope, not this time. Grandpa shot him and cut his head off.

Me: ::blank stare::


..................................


::Back Story:: Last night I emptied Jack's school bag out and found his art project. The kids all made turkeys and wrote what they are thankful for on the feathers (well, the teacher wrote it, but Jack supplied the ideas)...



In case you can't read what he is thankful for, here's a close-up. I think the middle feather is the best.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Embarrassing my child, one outfit at a time.

I remember when I was little my Mom would buy me these horrible outfits for me to wear to school. The most awful of which were saved for school pictures, only to have them permanently encased in time as a reminder of what a dork I was. I’m sure she didn’t realize it at the time (or maybe she did, but just didn’t care), but even at 5-years-old, I did give a hoot about what I wore. After a conversation that began with a simple request to my Mom to stop by Target on the way home from work to pickup a dress for Reese, it got me thinking:

I wonder if somewhere down the road Reese will feel the same way about the clothes I pick out for her as I did about the clothes my Mom picked out for me?

The conversation was all via email and went something like this:

Me: I found the cutest dress at Target on my lunch break, but they didn’t have it in Reese’s size. Could you stop by the one by your work and pick it up for me on your way home?

::this request was followed by a picture of the sweater dress I picked out::

Mom: I could pick it up tomorrow, but that dress is butt ugly.

Me: I think it's cute! You really think it's ugly? It looks just like those sweaters you wear...except it's a dress.

Mom: I haven’t worn a sweater like that in years – and yes – it’s just about the ugliest baby dress I’ve ever seen.

Me: It would look cute with sassy baby leggings.

Mom: And a coat over the top…

Me: ::inserts photo of pink argyle baby legs::

Mom: Now you’re going to make the kid wear argyle socks – Do you have a fever?



My, how tastes have changed. Part of me hopes my daughter doesn’t grow up to slightly resent me for the clothing I put her in. And if she does…oh well. I think it’s a motherly right of passage to be able to embarrass your child within reason.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Postcards from MY Momma...

::Mom upon seeing my graduation announcement in the local paper::

It’s always nice to see your name in the paper in a section other than the police report.



::side note:: I have NEVER been featured in any police report, Mom. thankyouverymuch.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Two years.

First off, to make future post writing easier I need to out Husband. Husband's real name is JP - and today we will have survived celebrate two years of wedded bliss. Two years of laughs, family, new houses, new jobs, and new beginnings. I love you JP and look forward to many, many, many, more years to come. Happy Anniversary.








(We'd like to thank Yapuncich Photography for our amazing pictures, I can still feel every second of that day each time I look at them. www.yuppyphoto.com)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

pomp and circumstance.

A little over a week ago I suited up in the-ugliest-shade-of-blue-I-have-ever-seen cap and gown and walked across a stage in front of what seemed like a million eyes. After 6 years and three(ish) changes in my major, I finally earned my Criminal Justice degree. Actually, not only did I earn my degree, but I graduated with highest honors earning a 4.0 GPA while taking on a nearly-full course load, working full-time, and managing two kids…and a dog…and a husband. I make myself exhausted just thinking about it. My family and I went out after the graduation ceremony where we enjoyed dinner and a few laughs…mostly from my Grandpa who asked the waiter if his fajitas were held up at the border when he was the only one at the table without a meal.

While it makes me happy that I can move on, explore my options, and do something different and interesting, I think the best part of not having anymore homework is the fact that I can spend more time with my family…and maybe catch an entire episode of Glee.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

JACKtionary

::After asking Jack how his day went...::

"Grandma and Great Grandma at porcupines and Timmy puked."


For some reason I felt as though I was missing something...


::Jack after seeing the forecast::

Mom, there was three cloud pictures. What a bummer.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Postcards from MY Momma...

::Back Story:: My Mom and I were setting a date to go Christmas Shopping in November...

Mom: You can pick out your Christmas gift when we go.

Me: I want the Patience Brewster Krinkles nativity set. It's only like $1000. $47.50 just for one palm tree. YIKES.

Mom: I will buy you two palm trees; one for your birthday and one for Christmas. You can use them all year round.

Monday, September 20, 2010

JACKtionary

::Back Story:: We were at my Dad's yesterday, my Dad was quizzing Jack on his ability to recall certain facts...like his birthday.

Grandpa (Dad): Jack, how old are you?
Jack: Four.
Grandpa (Dad): When are you going to be five?
Jack: When I'm done being four.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Learning to Fly

Today I was informed that two of my coworkers and I are being sent to the Medicare Ignite conference in Madison, Wisconsin in November. Madison is about four-five(ish) driving hours away from my home west of the twin cities. After getting filled in on the details of when, where, and why, I asked how we were going to get there. The answer I received was not the answer I was expecting, nor looking for. We’re flying.

The rest of the informational phone call was a blur, and I am pretty sure I held my breath the entire time after I heard the word “flight” because I have had a pretty righteous headache for the two hours since then. I hate to fly. I haven’t flown in almost 6 years and it would be a whole lot awesomer (more awesome?) if my first flight since the hiatus was to a more appealing destination. I get nervous and all sorts of anxious at the thought of setting foot on an airplane; let alone the rickety one they are probably going to stick us on for the flight…because that would just figure. The amount of booze and meds I will need to get through this trip may be enough to tranquilize a small horse…I don’t care if the flight is only on the upwards of one hour.

My step-mom and her friend stopped by work today and friend explained that she feels the same way about flying as I do…and I think she hit the nail on the head to where my problem stems from – I’m freakishly organized and like for things to be in control. Being belted in the seat in an aircraft miles in the sky with no sight of the pilot puts me in a very vulnerable position. She was also absolutely right when she said that my fear of flying would be less (and possibly non-existent) if I were up in front making sure the pilot was doing his job with no tomfoolery. This is where friend proceeded to tell me all about this little Scooby Snack called Xanax. Don’t get me wrong, I know what Xanax is – I just didn’t know that doctor’s actually prescribed it for flying phobias. Rock on. I just might make it through this trip without crying; and if not, I apologize to my coworkers in advance.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Postcards from MY Momma

“If you can't be a good example - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.”

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Postcards from MY Momma...

::Back Story:: Daycare was closed yesterday and today so Husband was at home with the kids for two days while I worked. Husband picture-mailed me this photo yesterday afternoon which I proceeded to forward to my Mom...





Mom: He better let her out Child Services should be there soon – I just forwarded them this picture. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I did – but he shouldn’t be putting my precious princess in a cage...at least not until she's 13 anyway.

Monday, August 30, 2010

What a difference 15 years makes.

It’s that time of year again! On Saturday we joined the crowd of 175,621 individuals for 6.5 hours of food, fun, sun, and more food. I’m talking about the Minnesota State Fair. We arrived at 11 a.m. and proceeded to eat anything and everything that would shame any McFatty participant.

Mini donuts? Check.
Bite of my Step-Mom’s deep fried Mac and Cheese? Check.
Pickle dog? Check x2.
Chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick? Don’t mind if I do!

While the food was great, I’m pretty sure it took two showers to completely wash off the grease that was emitting from my pores. I will probably be making up for my binge by logging many miles on the elliptical over the next couple weeks. Oh well, at least I will get my insurance discount by checking in 12 times at Snap this month.

Moving on…

What made this year at the Fair especially special was a caricature. Fifteen years ago in 1995, my brothers and I were forced to sit in close proximity for 20ish minutes while some random man drew our likenesses in charcoal. Because Husband and I joined my parents and my brothers at the fair again this year, my Dad insisted we have another one done. So now, for your viewing pleasure I give you what a difference 15 years makes…

1995...



















2010...



















Don't be hatin' on my glasses.

Monday, August 16, 2010

$40 for a free dinner.

Per usual, the family was going over to my parent's house for an early Sunday dinner. We generally have Calvin in tow as he likes to play with my parent's German Shepherd and it wears him out enough that he sleeps the remainder of the night; rather than standing at his post at the backdoor barking like a lunatic at a garbage can (or something equally ridiculous).

Husband put Calv in the car while I was inside grabbing the crazy amount of baby gear necessary to survive being out of the house for three hours. To free up a hand, I placed my purse (and car keys) on the front seat so I could get Reese in the car. I no sooner shut the door when...

...Calvin locked me out.

::Did I mention my spare set of keys were in my purse too?::

So after ear muffing the babe and shouting a seemingly endless string of expletives at the dog, Husband began his plan of attack to get into the car. We tried using the laser pointer and treats to get Calv to step on the button again...but no luck. It was time to break in.

After prying the door open enough to get a coat hanger, a fishing pole, and a piece of PVC pipe through it we came to a conclusion:

My car has a neat little security feature that disables the "unlock" button in the event someone tries to pry the door open and steal my ride. Awesome.

Since Calv had officially been locked in the car for about an hour and a half, we gave up and called the tow company. Thank god for nice people who answered the phone on a Sunday afternoon and were literally at our door in less than 10 minutes. Fifteen minutes and $40 later we were on our way to dinner.

Calv sits on my lap in the car; he UNLOCKED the car at least four times within the 10 minute drive to my parent's place. Go figure.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The one where grandpa was boobdazzled.

Yesterday I found out that Husband's grandpa was flashed at our wedding.

By a member of our wedding party.

A nausea triggered wave of mortification flew over me at the thought...even though our wedding was nearly two years ago. After the nausea subsided, I was actually impressed that grandpa:

A. Remembered the incident, and;
B. Remembered the identity of tata-wielding culprit.

After sending out a blanket email to my fav ladies - all fingers pointed in one direction. Maid of Honor #2.

Ya, I had two Maids of Honor (or what ever the correct term is for having more than one female backup to start the car should I have decided to make a run for it...Love you Hubs!). Besides, I have known these girls since we were in middle school. It's kind of like a package deal, I couldn't have chosen just one.

P.S. And Rach, if you're reading this: By Maid of Honor "#2" - I meant that you walked down the aisle second. Not because you're inferior.

ANYWAY

As funny (and not funny) as it is now - Rach is standing her ground insisting that she didn't give Grandpa his own personal peep-show while whipping out the goods like a mad woman screaming "Yeah Baby!"

Although, come to think of it, she (and a majority of everyone else) was rather intoxicated so it is quite possible that this is exactly how it went down.

And honestly, I don't even care who did it. Just another one of the many memories I will have of that day, which is fine with me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Monday, August 9, 2010

Beautiful.

I'm going to take a moment to plug a great blog.

Any mother can tell you that when you have kids, you have less time to dedicate to yourself. I am no different. When I do have time, I like to spend it either relaxing, or doing something to make myself feel good; which is why I love Lauren's blog. Although she is not a mother, she gives great advice on living beautifully both inside and out. She does great reviews on all of the latest and greatest beauty products, and if you're interested, she's even hosting her first giveaway this week for a Spornette Kabuki Brush. I definitely recommend you check it out.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Make My Week Wednesday

With the everyday stress of work and family added to the mounting pressure of squeezing 12 weeks worth of assignments into 10 weeks to make the deadline for September graduation, it’s the little things in life that really make me happy.

MONDAY - Exhausted from being woken thrice by my human alarm clocks the night before and running late for work, I ::gasp:: went through the drive-thru at our local coffee shop. Although some consider this a blasphemous deed (::cough:: Kenny ::cough::), I didn’t have time for to wait for the caffeine-fiending idiot that I’m positive would have been in line in front of me indecisive of which drink will adequately deliver.

ANYWAY.

As I pulled up to the window to pay, I was handed my order and was informed that the kind soul ahead of me had paid for my drink. An angel may have died, but I got free coffee.

And this is kind of unrelated, but as I was eating lunch in the 6x6 cave that we at work refer to as the break room, I looked out the single window which faces the parking lot of the eye clinic next door. As I was people watching and enjoying my sandwich, this creepy beat-up grey conversion van comes barreling into the parking lot. Normally, I wouldn’t have taken a second glance…except on this particular van, written in smeared white window paint, were the words “free candy”. Nice.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

JACKtionary

Some good ones from the weekend...

::Back Story:: I told Jack that he wasn't going to get a snack if he didn't eat his dinner...

Mom, when you say stuff like that to me (long pause) it's humiliating.


::Back Story:: Grandpa was getting the T-Ball stand out of the garage. The base fell off of the stand as he was carrying it into the yard.

::said in the most serious of tones:: Great. You broke it. Great. Thanks. ::walks away into the house::

::Back Story:: Husband was holding Reese when we got to my parent's house on Sunday. Reese started to squeal when Grandma was talking to her.

Grandma, I think she hates you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Kids are gross.

Kids are gross. I say this in the most lovingly way possible.

Let me start off by taking a stroll down memory lane to this post. For those lazy readers, I will paraphrase by saying that my daughter spits up so much food it’s hard to believe that she gains weight at all. It is estimated that at least 50% of her daily caloric intake ends up on the floor, the dog, or Husband and I.

Tuesday night was no different.

About an hour and a half after Reese’s main entrĂ©e of pureed mixed veggies and banana/mixed berries for dessert, we sat down on the couch together for an attempt at one last snuggle time with her bottle before bed.

::Side Note:: I say “attempt” because doll has recently learned to crawl. The girl is always on the move. She has absolutely no time in her agenda to slow done and cuddle with Mama. I thought I had at least 12-13 years before that happened.

Anyway, using the TV remote as a distraction, I finally got her to chill out and take the bottle. She was about ¾ of the way through when she gagged and spit up on me. Not a huge deal, but nevertheless needed Husband to take her so I could clean myself off before Calv and his laser tongue decided to help.

Husband picked her up off my lap and at the exact moment he turned to carry her away it happened. What was quite possibly the largest stream of projectile baby food / formula blend shot out of doll’s mouth. The vom covered an estimated four-foot radius; spraying herself, husband, Calv, both couches, and my carpet.

Now, we’ve had carpet/baby food incidents before and this one wouldn’t have been a huge deal – but do you recall what she had for dessert? Bananas with mixed berries. And what color is said bananas with mixed berries? Purple. On my WHITE carpet. Super.

She definitely put Linda Blair to shame.

After two days, a cry for stain-removing suggestions via Facebook, and a little help from Google, I was able to successfully able to remove most of the stain with a mix of household items: Tide, vinegar, and warm water. There was still a faint purple look which was completely wiped out with OxyClean gel stain remover (let sit 5-10 minutes, rinse with warm water, and blot up with a towel). The stain remover is actually meant for clothes, but I was brave and tried it.

And if you are from any of the companies that created any of the aforementioned cleaning supplies, hit me up and I’ll let you know where you can mail my royalty check (or lifetime supply of said items) for plugging your product. k thx.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I heart my DVR.

I just realized that the day I graduate is the same day of the season premieres of Grey's and Private Practice. It was meant to be.

My Burnin’ Loins and the 2.5 Seconds I Resembled Siobhan Magnus

I have realized that I am really bad about timely posting, but I can rationalize this by saying that life isn’t always timely.

Moving on…

We had an awesomely awesome Fourth of July getaway at our family cabin in Hayward, Wisconsin. The four and a half days of sun, alcohol, food, family, fireworks, and laughs were much needed.

I even got to go fishing with my Dad and Husband and on the first day proceeded to catch the only fish worth catching; only to have my fishing line snap just as its bass lips reached the surface of the water. Husband obviously doubted my abilities and deemed my two-pound test line as adequate despite my protest that I would undoubtedly reel in the catch of the day. Oh well. Everyone has their own “one that got away” story, mine just happens to be about a fish.

All that time spent on the boat also led to another unfortunate incident.

::Back Story:: I am the fairest skinned girl you will ever cross paths with. I think it’s a combination of being from Minnesota, and the fact that I have a sun allergy wicked enough to confine me to a hotel room during my 11th grade spring break trip to the Bahamas. But that’s a whole other story.

Let’s do some math.

White meat + reflective lake sun + SPF 4 tanning lotion applied liberally + 4 hours on a boat = Burnin’ loins. Literally.

Exhibit A.




Yes, it was as painful as it looks, but not enough to ruin my vacation!


Friday, July 9, 2010

JACKtionary

::Back story:: My stepdad is about 6ish years younger than my Mom. Husband calls her a cougar.

Jack referred to my Mom as "Grandma Cougar" about three times in the car this morning. This is not good.

Monday, June 28, 2010

JACKtionary

::Back Story:: Jack's cousin was born on Friday evening. He went to meet her for the first time this morning. I received this e-mail from his aunt...

"Jack was just here visiting Hannah. He was so cute, he was explaining the game of baseball to her. He told her she has to keep her eye on the ball."

Ode to Optics, aka Why I Changed My Dog’s Name to “Shit-head.”

Of all the things Calvin has chewed, I have never once wept over the destruction…

…until Sunday morning at 1:34 a.m.



::Back Story:: Calvin sleeps on our bed, if he gets too hot he jumps off and goes downstairs and sleeps in his kennel.::

Not this time.

At approximately 1:34 a.m. on Sunday June 27, 2010 I awoke to the most awful crunching sound I have ever heard in my life coming from under our bed. Being a self-proclaimed Mr. Magoo, I rolled over to reach for my glasses off of the night stand. After a few failed attempts at feeling around for them, a mental light bulb turned on and I realized that the very item I was reaching for was probably the very item Calv decided to snack on.

I immediately dropped to the floor, grabbed a flashlight out of the night stand, lifted the bed skirt, and found a very nervous Corgi looking at me like a deer in the headlights. Next to him were (what was left of) my glasses.

Exhibit A















::Side Note:: When I first grabbed the glasses, the part of the frame that holds the right nose pad was completely vertical and I fortunately got it back in place without snapping it off. This picture also does not do much justice, but the actual nose pads, and the right ear piece are completely chewed.

Husband, knowing that I would kill the dog, immediately grabbed Calv and escorted him downstairs to his kennel while I sobbed over the remains of my specs.

Now, normally I wouldn’t have gotten so upset over a pair of glasses. HOWEVER I have only had these glasses for 1 one year…and prior to that had not replaced them since I was a junior.

…In high school.

Fortunately this story has a happy ending. Fifteen minutes at the eye clinic over my break this morning and $10.20 later, the damage was repaired; minus the chipped paint where he chewed, but that is cosmetic and will not affect my comfort or vision so I deal. Had the nose piece actually snapped off – the bill would have been more around $150…yikes.

And while I am still on the topic of canine catastrophes…

Later Sunday morning after breakfast I was cleaning up in the kitchen when Husband walked over and asked me to hold Reese for a minute. Soon after taking baby girl, I spotted husband out of the corner of my eye sweeping something up off of the kitchen floor ever-so-quietly. I ran over to see a couple of our WEDDING flowers partially shredded all over the floor. Husband, knowing that I was still irate from the glasses incident tried to clean up the mess before I noticed. No such luck.

::Side Note:: I keep the dried flowers in a basket on the under-shelf of a small table in our kitchen. This table has not been dusted in a couple weeks.::

I went over to the flower basket to check the destruction and it was then that I realized Calvin had an accomplice.

Exhibit B














The accomplice, who shall remain nameless, is described as being 4-years-old, 42” tall, and approximately 41 lbs. He still denies any and all allegations.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

How to Survive Your Ex's Wedding (and other weekend oddities)



HA. Ok, so it wasn't that bad; but I prepared for the worst.

Jack's Dad got married over the weekend and for the sake of civility I slapped on a smile and went to the wedding. Though I was partially dreading the actual ceremony, I really looked forward to the reception to reconnect with old friends. At that I did. We drank, we laughed, we danced, and we promised to get together more often because three years with no contact went by way too fast. I even met some new people who hopefully remember me by my real name rather than "Jack's Mom".

::side note:: Ex's new bride and I are planning on getting together after they return from their honeymoon. It didn't really hit me until last week that Jack was gaining a mother, and as much as I would like to trust Ex's judgement I still feel as though I have to know her, I need to know her. It's not like we're going to be OMG BFF, but if she is going to be a part of Jack's life I want to make an effort.

All in all we had a great time and I even got to dance with the most handsome little man in the room.





And speaking of that little man...

I received a text message from Ex's new Bride on Friday evening stating that Jack picked a fabulous time to CUT HIS OWN HAIR. As funny (and not funny)as it was, it wasn't anything some gel and strategically placed spiked hair couldn't fix. Winner, winner chicken dinner.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

JACKtionary

::Back Story:: I was talking to Husband about getting my haircut, Jack was listening...

Jack: Mama, you can call Michelle (his future step-mom who is a stylist) and get a disappointment!

...it took a minute to realize he was telling me to MAKE an APPOINTMENT.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I once wore a crown for an entire year.


True story.
(That's me on the far right)

The summer of 2004 was the most rewarding summer of my life. It was then when I was crowned one of the 2004-2005 Princesses of my home town. We line-danced during parade line-up; we rode on a float and made appearances at what seemed like every parade in the tri-county area; We wore dresses that after our reign ended never wanted to look at again, but somehow still don't have the heart to get rid of; We got VIP seating in the "Sparkle Section" at coronations we visited; we formed friendships that we will treasure forever and memories that will last a lifetime.

With "Buffalo Days" approaching next week, I still have no idea where these last six years have gone.




Friday, May 28, 2010

Graduation Day


Jack graduated from his first year of preschool yesterday.

He won't turn 5 until January, so he will get one more year of preschool under his belt before he enters kindergarten in 2011. Thankfully he loves school and his teachers. At the beginning of the year I thought for sure he would have major separation anxiety, but he took to school like a fish to water. It was a bittersweet feeling knowing that he was comfortable being there and didn't need me to hold his hand all the way.

His last day was fun. Each child had to bring a parent and they had lots of "up north" themed activities to do. Jack's girlfriend even introduced herself to me.

::side note:: She is ADORABLE and Jack just thinks she is the greatest. So much in fact, that he is even trying to get his aunt to name her unborn baby "Maddy O".

All in all it we had a lot of fun, and it was a major plus that I got to sneak out of work early to enjoy the day with just Jack.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

JACKtionary

From last evening...

::Back Story:: Jack spent last week at his Dad's house and when he came to our house yesterday Husband noticed some scratches on his neck.

Husband: What happened to your neck, Jack?

Jack: Kitties (Jack's cat at his Dad's) scratched me. And then Daddy couldn't find his gun.

Husband: What did he need a gun for?

Jack: To get rid of Kitties.

::insert blank stare here::

Friday, May 21, 2010

Thankful Things from Thursday...

I have two from this week :)



1.Husband. He is such a GEEK, but I love him lots. However, he does get lots of side-eyes; which he completely earns per the example below:

I had to work late last night so I sent Husband to our biannual Homeowners Association meeting.

I leave him unsupervised for two hours and what does he do? He nominates HIMSELF for Vice President...and wins. He finds this hilarious and is insisting that I refer to him as VP (not going to happen). Geek mania, I'm telling you!


2. DVR. Allowing me to corral the kids, get things done, and still be able to watch the season finales of Bones and Grey's in their entirety's. Grey's was AWESOME. Husband even kind of got into it. He was also laughing at me being on the brink of an anxiety attack as my heart raced and teeth chattered through a majority of the episode.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Better late than never.

I got my Mother's Day gift from Husband last night - only 10 days late, but worth the wait.

After seeing Blair over at The Heir to Blair rave about The Vintage Pearl (and a failed attempt a winning her giveaway - rats.), I decided to give Husband the ol' wink-wink-nudge-nudge-kick-in-the-shins approach.

And lo and behold, it worked! He got me this bracelet, and a picture of the finished product with the kids' names:





Love it.

And for your viewing pleasure, I give you Reese.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Postcards from MY Momma

Just a couple for today :)

::After telling Mom about how Jack decided to drink out of his paintbrush rinsing basin last night::

Mom: Isn’t that cute. You once colored your whole tongue with a marker. Must run in the family. ::side note:: I do not recall, nor will I ever admit that this ever happened.

::Back story: Mom went on a road trip with two friends for fisherman's widow's weekend::

Me: How was your road trip?
Mom:We got as far as St Michael at one point. wooohoooo ::St Michael is about 5 minutes from home::

I admire her sense of adventure.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Home Sweet Home

It's just after 8:00 and we are finally back home and unpacked from our weekend in Wisconsin. The benefit was a success and the kids had a great time at Grandma and Grandpa's. Jack gave me a hanging basket of "monkey faces" (pansies) that Grandma helped him put together, and Reese greeted Daddy with a mouthful of spit up when he picked her up for a kiss ::vom:: I could have passed out laughing.

OK, now back to the part about the benefit. Wisconsin was fun, but it's good to be home. The animal tally (aka the animals we braked for) was: 1 bear, 5 deer, and 1 fox.

The silent auction raised over $2600, another $2200 was raised from the 50/50 raffle, plus whatever was raised by the other raffle ticket drawings, wrist band, and paddle sales.

It was a very long day, but we had a lot of fun. Even if I had to let an extremely intoxicated Larry suck my big toe in order to get him to buy an entire bucket of paddles at $2 a piece. I was wearing sandals, so he disinfected the area with vodka first. ::shivers:: It's amazing what you'll do (and never, ever do again) for your family.

We drank, we laughed, we raised money, and we lifted our glasses to a stand-up guy to a few plays of "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by the Dropkick Murphys. 'Twas a good weekend.


AND

If anyone is wondering, watercolor paints are NON-TOXIC. Tonight as I was giving Reese a bottle before she went to bed I heard the sound of gargling water. Jack decided that his paint brush rinsing basin looked especially tasty. Fabulous. Thankfully I caught him before he swallowed and promptly sent him to brush his teeth. I think we'll stick with crayons.

Friday, May 14, 2010

You never know when it will strike...

...but there comes a time when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

That time is now. And I have only been here for less than 2 hours. ::Hi Dad. Yes, I am on break and not wasting company time blogging :) ::

I am so anxious and excited to get on the road to see the fam today that I can barely stand it! Just under five hours 'til freedom!

Hopefully I will have some good stories by Monday; but until then, have a fantastic weekend!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Rain, rain go away.

It's been raining and cloudy here for almost the last week. Jack is getting stir crazy and needs to just get outside to release some of his energy before he drives me up a wall. Thankfully there is talk of the sun and 70-degree weather returning just in time for the weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, Husband and I are taking a little road trip to Wisconsin to gather with family at a benefit for my cousin who lost her husband a few months ago. The whole situation makes me so mad because of how unfair it all seems. He wasn't supposed to leave her like this to raise four boys under five years old, but fortunately she has an amazing support system that will be there for her every step of the way - including Husband and I, even though we are miles away. We are so excited to see them and can't wait to make the trip. This will be a great weekend.

While Husband and I are away, the kids are going to Husband's parent's house. Jack can't wait to see the sheep, chase the ducks, and take a hike in the woods with Grandpa and Fitz (Fitz is their beagle).

Any who, on a lighter note:

Last night I made Jack dinner and left him alone for a minute at the table while I went upstairs to get Reese into her pajamas. After what couldn't have been more than 30 seconds I hear Jack scream and burst into a hysterical crying fit. I asked what happened - to which he replied "I accidentally spilled my dinner!". I looked into the kitchen and just about the entire contents of the kitchen table were scattered all over the floor. I didn't ask, nor did I even what to know what the hay he was doing to cause the mess in the first place. I cleaned it up, wiped his tears, and Husband made him a a PB&J sandwich. Maybe I should have invested in a spill mat when I had the chance...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

C'mon get happy!





Miss Krystal over at "Tie a Little Ribbon" has nominated yours truly for the Happy 101 Award! Way cool, right? Being a newbie to the blog world, this was a totally awesome surprise. And if you haven't already, go check out her blog. Even if you really don't feel like reading it, at least go to look at the pictures of her way cute daughter, Marley. And if you have a daughter of your own (or have a son that you wish was a daughter...or just really like hair accessories), check out her boutique too.

Rules of the award:
1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and list a link to her blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award

Things that make me happy:

1. A clean house. Husband calls me "Monica Gellar", I call it sanity.

2. My kids. I love watching them grow into the little people they are becoming. The random things that come out of Jack's mouth are hysterical (refer to JACKtionary for examples). I can't wait until Reese starts talking. ::side note:: I just realized that I put a clean house as #1 and my kids at #2. Clearly I love my family more than I love a clean house. Family 1. House 2.

3. Husband. To quote Juno, he is the cheese to my macaroni. He's laid back and I'm high strung (and bonus, he's totally OK with that). He is my Xanax.

4. Movies. I love, love, LOVE movies. Especially Backdraft. I could watch that movie everyday.

5. "Friends" reruns.

6. All things chocolate.

7. Family trips to the cabin in Hayward. My family (extended family included) rocks. Beer, laughter, bon fires, family, fishing, fun. 'Nuff said.

8. My dog. Calvin Caalllv! No matter how naughty he is I love him so much that I can't help but squeeze him sometimes. Then he gets mad. Oh, and he burps a lot too. It makes me laugh.

9. Shopping in general.

10. Complete e-strangers who take an e-chance to e-nominate me for a random e-ward (ha.). You rock.


Nominations:
smonk you: a story about being a dad
Webbisodes
finally Mom

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Postcards From Yo Momma

With Mother's Day right around the corner, I thought I would pay tribute to a great website and great women. If you have never checked out http://www.postcardsfromyomomma.com/, you should. It's basically the essence of shitmydadsays on Twitter, except it is a selection of hilarious and random words of various mothers. Go now, I'll wait until you come back.

waiting...

...still waiting...



Ok then. In honor of Postcards and in observance of yet another bye week in JACKtionary, I bring you "Postcards from MY Momma". Enjoy.

::Mom after hearing my latest test results at the Doc's::


Mom: Can't you just get a cold like a normal person?

::Back-story:: kiddos go to Great Grandma's house every other Thursday when I work until 7:00. Grandma gives me a bag lunch as a trade for the kids.

Me: Grandma gave me chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting.
Mom: Bitch.

::Back-story:: Reese has "stranger danger" syndrome and screams every time she sees my mom.

Mom: How is Reese's anxiety? Do they have Prozac for babies?


Happy (early) Mother's Day!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Our landscapers are idiots.

::back story:: Being a new home owner with little to no gardening experience, a girl at work gave me some irises to plant in our backyard last summer. Calvin proceeded to dig them up and destroy them, leaving me with sad green stalks that stood for the rest of the season. I looked forward to the next year when they would make their comeback...


This year, my previously destroyed irises were finally coming back full force. Although they hadn't bloomed yet, they still looked a heck of a lot healthier than they did last year. And bonus, the dog was even leaving them alone! It was looking to be a good plant year...

...until yesterday.

After getting home from work I went to let the dog out the back door. To my HORROR I saw that our IDIOT landscapers had been there earlier that day mowing the lawn and weed whacking. Not only did they cut down the weeds in our rock bed, they absolutely mutilated my plants! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I would like to think that a LANDSCAPER would know the difference between a dandelion and a healthy pre-bloomed plant! Iris leaves were scattered all over the yard and all Husband could do was laugh.

I guess I really wasn't meant to have flowers.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The day Sophie lost her squeak...

After months of reading rave reviews on Sophie (courtesy of the ladies on the Bump), I broke down and paid the $15 for the overpriced squeaky giraffe. And up until yesterday, it was $15 well spent.

Reese loved her, mostly because it was easiest thing (secondary to her feet) to get into her mouth. The squeak of the giraffe also brought the dog running to her, which she found to be extremely hilarious. Sophie then became known as the "Calvin call".

...until yesterday.

After an extensive nomming session, Sophie's squeak is no more. We can't figure out what happened, other than a probable drowning in drool, that has caused Sophie to sound like an emphysemia patient.

Sad thing is, although I know how much Reese enjoys Sophie, I just can't bring myself to pay the $15 for a replacement. I guess She will just have to learn enjoy Sophie's new "voice". It's never too early to teach your kids about acceptance. :)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Don't get mad...get 600 thread count bed sheets.

Can I just take a moment to express my adoration for Target? I love Target. I would probably live there if I could. Husband has threatened many a time to encase my check card in a tomb of ice to attempt to keep me away from there, with no avail.

ANYWAY...

Saturday I made my biweekly trip to Target. On the way there I got a phone call which made me extremely upset and on the verge of angry tears in the parking lot.

::side note:: The subject of the aforementioned phone call is irrelevant to this story, so I'll leave it at that. Besides, it would have been a whole other blog post in itself, but the issue was resolved before I could even click "new post".

Now, on a good day I could spend hours there just looking around; but that day I was MAD. So mad in fact, that the only thing that would make me feel better would be to:

a. scream; or
b. buy stuff.

I immediately eliminated option "a" as I didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself; leaving option "b" as the only logical choice. So that's what I did. I bought stuff. I bought a couple new outfits for the kids, I got random things for the house, and then I saw it...

Sheets. And not just any sheets. Crisp, brand new, 600 thread count bed sheets.

::another side note:: I probably would have bought 23105640 thread count bed sheets if I had the option, but fortunately for my bank account, and my husband, Target maxed out at 600.

As I walked out of the store with my new purchase(s), I felt better. It just goes to show that when the going gets tough, don't get mad...get bed sheets.




...and don't watch "The Box" starring Cameron Diaz. Terrible, terrible movie. But that's just my opinion.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Back to school, back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool...

...Well, not really. But I can't resist a good movie quote.

After a three(ish) year hiatus from college after the birth of my son, I went back to school in April 2009 to finish my degree in Criminal Justice. Talk about scary.

Up until now I have worked 40 hours per week and took classes part time. This semester I grew a wild hair and decided to take on three, count 'em three, classes all while trying to work full time, and corralling two kids. And a dog. And a husband. God help me.

::Side Note::I found out today that not only am I on the High Honors/President's List for Winter semester, but I have been there since my return to school last year. ::pats self on back::

I am due to FINALLY graduate in September and the reality of having to find a "real job" scares me to death. Did I mention I have worked for my Dad's company for like, ever? So you can only imagine my state of internal panic of the thought of having to step outside of my comfort zone and into the real world.

::Side Note Again:: Not that my current job isn't a "real job", but I figured I should put all of that hard earned money that went towards my schooling to good use. Plus, it would probably make sense to at least attempt to find a career in my chosen field of study.


So hold on tight and bear with me as I embark upon yet another scary ride into reality and my adult life.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

JACKtionary - Volume II

Since Jack is with his Dad until Monday, I am declaring this a bye-week. Enjoy some vintage JACKtionary.

Jack, age 2, after his bath getting doused in baby powder:

"What's that? Salt?"


Jack, age 3, requesting a piggyback ride from Grandpa:

"I wanna ride the pig!!"


Jack, age 4, asking to go to Grandma's:

Jack: I want to go to Grandma Julie's!
Me: No.
Jack: Well, maybe you should go upstairs and think about it!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I made the furniture warranty lady gag via phone...

...No really. I did.

But it wasn't necessarially my fault. It was more the fault of Reese and Calv for causing me to call, and her fault for asking why I needed service.

I have never seen a baby that voms after eating as much as Reese...and I have never seen a dog more interested in said vom than Calvin is.

When I called warranty services on Monday to have my couch cleaned, furniture lady had to ask how the stain came to be.

Me: Baby eats, spits up on the couch, dog eats it.

Furniture Lady ::insert gag via phone here:: So, you have a combination baby spitup/dog saliva spot on your couch?

Why yes ma'am I do. My new couch looks especially nastified, which is why I am oh-so-thankful that we paid the extra $110 for the Teflon fabric protection when we purchased it. Now I just have to be patient for 10 business days until my cleaning kit arrives in the mail.

Monday, April 5, 2010

JACKtionary and JACKisms

I am starting a new post series to quote the things that come out of my 4-year-old's mouth. Enjoy.

JACKtionary - Easter Edition

::Jack seeing the Easter Bunny walking around at the Egg Hunt::

MOM. I need to tell him he's doing it wrong. Easter Bunnies don't walk - they hop.

::Jack watching the clouds go by::

Jack: The clouds look like armadillos and tear necks.
Me: What's a tear neck?
Jack: ::shrugs:: They eat rocks.

::Jack bored listening to Grandma tell a story::

Grandma, I just wanted to say ::long pause:: When you tell those stories, I hate them.

Eggs, Ham, and Bunny Ears...

We had a nice Easter yesterday.

The day began with brunch with my Mom's family and ended with dinner at my Dad's house. Brunch was ok - but it was nice seeing the family again, being the last time we all got together was about a year ago. I can't believe how quickly time goes by.

Dinner at Dad's was amazing as usual; especially the ham. Oh that sweet, sweet honey-mandarin orange-apricot preserve-Gentleman Jack-etcetcetc ham glaze. I probably would have been happy eating just that.


The kids had a great time too. Well, Jack at least. I don't think Reese really knew what the heck was going on. I remember the pre-child days when holidays were so stress free. Now, two kids and a dog later Husband and I are exhausted by days end. All in all, the exhaustion is worth it just to have moments like these:

Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic


Hope you all had a fantastic Easter as well.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Kummel Bees

Although this happened about a week and a half ago, I believe that it is too funny not to share.

Jack: Mom, my favorite songs are Mary Moon and Kummel Bees.

Me: What the heck is Kummel Bees?

Jack: You know, Kummel Bees Kummel Bees KummelKummelKummel Bees.

I'm A Be by the Black Eyed Peas will never be the same...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

FYI

The Circo Step Stool w/ Storage from Target has a weight capacity of 50 lbs and is not meant to accomodate an adult female weighing approx 117 lbs who attempts to ascend said stool with a running start. BIG FAIL.

Allow me to explain...

Calvin, our Pembroke Welsh Corgi, likes to go on our bed.

::side note::If you have never seen a Corgi, picture a 30 pound hotdog with 5" legs.

His lack of leg length makes him too short to jump up (he's made it a couple times, but has a 95% rate of failure). We got Jack, my 4-year-old, a stool with 2 steps from Target to use in the bathroom when he brushes his teeth. Being the practical and clever soul I am I thought that Calvin would use it as a staircase to get on the bed.

Boy was I wrong.


He wouldn't even try to use it, even after I physically put him on it. I thought maybe if he saw me use it then he would give it a try.



First I walked up it - no big deal, but he still didn't follow me.



Then I thought maybe I had to get him excited so I decided to get a running start in attempt to have him chase me up it - not a good idea.



Next thing I know I am on the floor and (what used to be) the stool is in 3+ pieces with the bottom step caved in. Had I known that the dang stool was being held together with what I am assuming was nothing more than swingline staples, I probably would have thought twice about my actions.



As I am rolling in pain and tears from hysterical laughter, I looked up to Husband who was giving me the side eye, and Calvin who was looking at me like I was an idiot.

Thankfully the only thing I broke was that stupid stool, and my pride.

hiiii!

My first attempt at recording my world.

Some posts you won't care about and some just won't make sense, but hey, that's life.